Complex, Crush and Welding.
The GPW episode is finally over. I have the tc, the certificate, the caution money. Its been 3 years in the college, in a place i called ‘shitty’, a ‘dump’. It wasnt really bad though, considering the things Ive learned livin in this place, the overall changes it has made me go thru.
I still remember the first days here, the first days in college. I would got to college on my scoot. The thing called ‘ragging’ was very rampant then. The localites, or the ‘proper’ guys, as they called themselves, always targeted the ‘outsiders’. Even though I was an outsider, the fact that I came on the scoot made them beleive that I was a localite. So i never really had to face ragging, not even in its primary form, ‘intro’.
When i came here, I was a typical teenager, no sense of and identity, an apprehensive mindset and chronic insecurity and an inferiority complex. The comples was with me since my school days. And I think i now know the reason, it was coz of dad. I know very wel now how it was, he was a very dominant character, and I did not have any space. Its not easy blaming him. But i was always dominated, with no voice of opinion, no freedom, and by freedom i mean psychological freedom. I always felt bound, and was always very wary of taking decisions. I remember the way I was then, a dumb nitwit, who had such a huge complex that everyone else appeared way too superior. Classmates called me names, I took it as if I was meant to be that way. I never rebuked anyone, and always thot that it was me who was supposed to be a loser, and everyone had the right to disgrace me and trample me. I never spoke bout this at home, coz I always thought that life was supposed to be that way for me, and also coz I knew I wont get any support from home, with mom n dad all caught up with Saee…
After that, in Xth grade, I had a crush, and I started talking about it to everyone in class. They were shocked and surprised that I could talk like this, that I was ‘human’ enough to have a crush. I suddenly was the talk of class, and I discovered sumthn new…’attention’. I revelled in it, and the way to get it was to talk about my crush. Never did it occur to me what my crush wud be goin thru with such kind of behavior from me. I never really had the guts to confess my feelings to her, a total coward. Later, after I moved here, did it dawn upon me that what I did to her wudve made any other girl hate me for life. But, during a visit to nasik, when there was a chance meeting with her, on someone’s birthday, the way she talked was like nuthn had happened. I really dont know what she thought of it, had she forgiven and forgotten or not…or maybe coz she moved to Mumbai and got new friends she never wudve to face the embarassment of it…but atleast I shud’ve said sorry, and I couldnt. She had cried coz of me man…I know, that if she has really forgiven me for the whole thing, she’s really an angel.
Yea, so when I came here, i was free. Grans were not dominant at all, and I had a free reign, to do anythin as long as it was right. I atleast had and still do have a strong conscience, that always has helped me. For the first time in my life I discovered sumthn called ‘freedom’. It was a great feeling and that greatly boosted my confidence, the ability to face pp, and most importantly, to have an opinion. In the workshop I was good at welding, and I realised that I cud do sumthn gud. There are so many things that changed when I came here. I discovered that i loved to think of the world, nature. I loved sketching, and I got all the fodder for it here.
Being from an english med school, I had an upperhand over my classmates here, and that gave me a much-needed start to boost my confidence, early on. Thankfully, I soon realised that it was a nominal advantage, not worth being all airy about. There were innumerable such small things, that I realised slowly, that its not the ways of the people but their way of thinking that matters, its not similar likes and dislikes that a friend shud have, but he shud be sumone to be learned from. I was surprised that i realised all these things so late, and then I knew the friends I made here wud be for ever.
There are still many things that changed….just have to find time to put em down.