Yea…thatz what I think…im gonna be eternally frustrated. Just dont fuckin know what goes wrong with me every few days. It hits like a wave and lingers like a fog. Dont have any idea how to get over it. It has become like a habit…The frustration, the anger at somethin unknown, the wish to do somethin rebellious…just dunno what triggers it and what ends it.
But this time I think I know. She came back last nite. Askin me to be just friends…have asked for time to think…fuckin messed up…
I dunno what I want from her…I…I just know i dont want all the crap I had gone thru to be back in my life, but I just cant break her heart. And I still live on hope. Have to.
Standing on the bridge,
the current moves below me,
The black water beckons,
with promises of getting me high,
Higher than anything,
In a world which is all mine!
I take a puff…blow It out,
In a whiff of smoke…
The swirls call me…call me to get lost in their mystic
Hoping to get high…
Just wana get high,
thats all I wana do,
need to get high
Where the world is mine!
The smoke was still mystifying,
Playing games with my mind,
Making me believe the world was good
Forcing me to wear a mask of joy…
Come on man…why just cant I think clearly…I know theres no place for emotion in this world. Still why the heck do I have to think from my heart?
So friggin messed up man…its just gettin so boring…have to get out…set myself free…enjoy the sights i love…away from all this shit…away from the need for love.
Its so damn strange. The need for love. The need to love someone. Dunno what brings us to it. Its like an instinct. Why do I HAVE to love someone or everyone man? Why cant i be free from that feeling? Why the heck do I need someone to love me? Why cant I be happy being alone….always? That would be my true freedom…the freedom of being an individual…wish it could work out that way. Its so easy sayin this, thinkin from the brain…but just one thought of her and its all gone. Damn….
And then it happens…I cant think clearly…sittin with the head in my hands…wishin to get up and break loose…just be violent…slashin and hittin everythin in sight…and i dunno what does it…have to be sane right? I am an engg student…a civilised guy right? Fuck…What is it that does it to me man? Is it the fact that I cant be with her? Or is it that I dont want her back? Why cant i think? Why cant i make up my mind?