Red Shadows

It is a cool night today. I feel comfortable, sitting in my room, behind closed windows. The yellow lights outside make a weird shape on the frosted window panes…the shape of a giant orange gnat. I can hear the rain outside, with an occasional ‘tuwuk’ of an isolated drop from some window pane high above me, dropping into a pool. The sky looks like a desperate haze, with a colour which seems to be a faint reflection of the sodium vapour street lamps.
For some curious reason, I feel the sky is like my thoughts…all hazy with confused reflections. The mess in my head is intolerable, with random thoughts streaking about. A few of them leave a mark, while the others again become a part of the haze. Just like the streaks left on the window panes by a few lost drops. Every special memory sways all my thoughts towards it, like the shadows of the leaves move lazily in a slightest breeze.

I try to get out of it…try to get hold of a single streak of thought. But everything seems to be muted…as if engulfed in a black and red shadow, a shadow of desperation…and frustration.I hear the same thing again and again, like a gong or a church-bell, asking me what have I done with my life.

What is it that I am happy about? Am I? What have I got? Have I really got what I wanted?I think about it…what was it that i wanted? I wanted her love…I wanted to love her. The 3 years in the dump, I went through them thinking and hoping that at the end of all this, I will be with her. I will see her, I will love her…I will just BE with her. My simple mind thought that I would score a good percentage, and then I will be with her.

Then I feel ashamed of myself, as I think how selfish I was, when I realise that the thought of my mother never crossed my mind when I thought of all this.So what have I done? Sure, I got a decent score, so everyone was happy. Everybody thought I was happy. I had to be. Did I have a choice? But I was not. So what do I do? Simple! I just put on a mask. Why should I play spoilsport?

So what do I look forward to now? I have lost what I did not want to. And I am not one of those people, who think that living is nothing but getting a good score in college ,getting a nice job with a fat pay pocket and finally getting married to someone just because you have to. Call me impractical.

But there again, something hits me, “You have your responsibilty towards your mother!”, it says. “Live up to that!”.Sure! Am I running away? That is the only thing that keeps me going.
Am I living for myself? Even a little bit?…I don’t need to answer that question.

blind

feelin so fuckin empty,
life seems a desert
my eyes go blind
not even a mirage in sight
so damn blind

no love, no hate,
just barren lands…
misery is my delight
so damn blind

livin like a loser…
with no aim nor high
wandering like a lost nomad
no home no place is mine
so damn blind

some said they love me
some wanted my love
i didn’t get any
nor could i give any
just walked out of their lives
and they out of mine
so damn fuckin blind

trying to break loose
but they wont let me
holding on to them at the same time
wishing to god to help me
making a joke out of my own life
so damn blind

waiting for the angel
to hold my hand
to make me forget
to make me cry
waiting for my angel
with my blind eyes

so damn blind

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5 thoughts on “

  1. Perfect description of whats happening with me rite now…everything seems so stereotypical…I fail to understand whats is the thing that would make me happy!btw nice blog!!

  2. very expressive.. ‘no love, no hate,just barren lands…’ apathy is surely worse than hate, because when u hate someone, it shows that u still care, but when u don’t feel anything, it shows that they’re not even worth ur hatred. dont worry, things will be better soon! ( i know ur yawning..lol)

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