It is 2 AM. A cool, damp breeze blows in through the window. The moonless sky casts a never ending shadow over the world, hiding everything–but leaving a lot of room for imagination.
It is pitch dark outside, with just tiny dots of night lamps and streetlights scattered around in perfect randomness. The sky above is a blank, black expanse, with a sprinkling of wispy orangish-grey clouds. The clouds and stars together could easily remind a child of cotton candy…tiny sugar crystals peeking out of sparkling wisps.
Everything could appeal to the spirit…enchant the senses-the quiet, playful shadows…the wind moving through the leaves…the clouds moving silently through the sky…the sound of a tiny droplet dropping in a puddle…
Normally, I would have feasted on such an ambience.. But don’t understand what has changed within me…I just dont find it romantic anymore. What once could have been a night to revel in, is now just a night with moderate cloud cover and a wind flow created due to difference in pressures…damn!What is this? I dont remember ever being like this. Its a shame really.
I very well remember the times when such a night would hurl me into a vortex of nostalgia, of pure excitement. A time when I would be thankful for life, filled with love for every simple thing that my eye would fall on. But now its just a void. I feel empty!
One part of me says that its good, you are back on earth, and accepting reality. A reality where there is no place for emotion, excitement or simple, childish enjoyment of the world around me. But there is another voice…telling me not to go the way the world is taking me, not to surrender myself to a mechanical existence.
Just thinking of all the crap I have filled my life with, I feel sick.
Like the engineering stuff. The lectures. Exams every month. Taking classes to get used to group discussions. To face interviews. Practicing public speaking. Forcing myself to talk absolutely any crap to a stranger in any waiting room–when I have been an introvert by choice. All this in an effort to be ready for? A good career. What the f***? What if I dont want to be a part of this rat race? I laugh at myself then…face reality mister-there’s no way out!
I am in no way ignorant about carving out a good career. I am past that immaturity. But this is not the way I wish to go about it. If all the things I have to do to get a good job are making me dissatisfied with my life even now, what good is going to come to me later?
Whatever it is, I hope I normalize soon. I dont want a life where all I have left is design considerations, heat transfer equations and laws telling me in arcane words that a ball wont move unless I kick it…